( Joodie Shy )

An interesting question from Monday’s NaBloPoMo prompt: Do you use anything to alter your consciousness, like alcohol or drugs? Why, or why not?

I’ve never done any recreational drugs and I don’t drink alcohol. To me it’s really like cheating. It’s unfair to people who do things the hard way, push through the fear (or whatever is holding them back). It’s a basic rule of mine to try and do the work, not take the shortcut. However I will say that I am prescribed a few mood medications, and I don’t really enjoy taking them. Some people take benzodiazepines recreationally, but I just take one at night to help me relax. It’s fairly ineffective and doesn’t do much for me, but without it I’m a hyperactive nutcase some nights, so I err on the side of caution and just take it. Do I wish I could “do the work” and avoid the medication? Absolutely. But night time has been (no pun intended) a nightmare for me since I was a child. I’ve had insomnia since I was young. My only trouble with sleep is the first part, getting to sleep. Once I’m gone, I’m gone and beware if you wake me before I’m ready. It’s a nasty case of insomnia. More severe than some people I know. If anyone out there has it, it’s the kind that makes it really hard not to call people up at 2am (who are deservedly asleep) and scream in their ears about how unfair the situation is and how you kind of hate them because they are so randomly lucky.

I don’t know why some people have insomnia and others don’t… but for me it’s my number one bone to pick with my genetics. I really wish I didn’t have it. And if there was some underground disability trade-in center I’d totally opt for ADD or dyslexia over this. (Note: Not saying these aren’t struggles, cause they are! It’s simply something I feel would disrupt my entire life a lot less and be more manageable.) Everyone has their shortcomings. And unfortunately I’ve been on many sleep medications and none of them have helped me long term. The side effects usually get in the way of their effectiveness, or they are simply not effective to begin with. I take Melatonin every night simply to satisfy my doctors. Plus, you feel very desperate most nights and would do pretty much anything to avoid night after night of complete exacerbation with the issue. To be honest, I could rant endlessly about how unfair insomnia is… and to be fair I have depression and anxiety as well. I know how it feels to have things out of your control hold you back. But being 100% honest, my depression/anxiety/panic/health issues all combined do not bother me as much as my insomnia.

It does not help that I’m writing this blog post at 1AM with tons of useless medications in my system. Is there anything that aggravates you no matter how hard you try to deal with it?

An important reminder I should note: I am currently trying to deal holistically (as in healing my whole being) with any “condition” I may have or even just minor issues that may ail me. And I really do believe we have the power to heal ourselves. I do not believe we need drugs to enjoy life or to have a good time. But at the same time, I do realize that some things are simply chronic and genetic and overwhelming. I’m trying to find the nice place of balance between the two types of coping for things like this, but I do really try first and foremost to look inwards for the healing and change I may need. Insomnia is simply my ‘one thing’ I can’t seem to come to terms with. Other issues, like anxiety, I have had much success with doing the hard work/the inner work and not taking any shortcuts, so I urge you to always try the same route at first. Shortcuts help no one and solve nothing in the long term.

Tags: learning, life, self care